The Journey to Freedom
The journey to find freedom from strong homosexual desires has been a long journey. From junior high until college, the feeling was that there was a longing toward men, but until a college student, it was not understood to call it homosexuality. That reality was convicting because of a strong religious faith. There was the strong feeling of being less than other men. The conflict showed itself more deeply because there was a desire for women, but also a strong desire for attachment to men. It is called bisexuality. This dual desire created a much deeper sense of conflict. It was like being caught between two worlds. Marriage was not the solution to stop the attraction.
There was some acting out sexually in the senior year of high school.
Because of a strong religious faith, in college it was possible to control these desires. Although, at times, that struggle was severe. Toward the end of college, marriage was entered. For some years, the homosexual desire appeared to lie dormant. Then for an unknown reason, the homosexual desire began to become strong again.
The longing toward men showed itself in seeking the porn shops and peep shows. Magazines were not purchased for fear of detection by the wife.
Finally, a young man came into my life who became attractive to me. A strong friendship developed, but one day this strong attraction toward this young man was detected by him. Certain behaviors toward this man was evident to him that these actions stemmed from homosexuality. He told his wife and they made it public. Because of religious work as a church pastor, the only result was resigning the pastorate. Depression set in and the sense of being a bad person developed more strongly. I lost a second job over this issue because of others spreading the news. Counseling was sought, but the counselor believed being gay was okay. That was not satisfactory because of a strong religious faith. Another counselor, who was a Christian was sought. This counselor was able to help to understand the under-lying causes of homosexuality.
One lesson learned was that homosexual desire was not the total of who a person is. That within itself was freeing. It was learned that a person is heterosexual, but with a homosexual problem. Over the years of counseling and self-discovery, a strong sense of masculinity was developed. Finally, the envy, covetousness and lust toward men ceased. It felt good to be able to love a man, and not feel any of these desires. That is fully satisfying! Today, seeing a strong health good looking man does not stir any sexual desire to engage him in sex.
A strong faith in the God of the Bible and in Jesus Christ as the Son of God, created the desire to not give in to the feelings of inadequacy, of envy, covetousness and lust toward men. It is gratifying to become a man among men. Except for the grace of God, freedom could never have been attained.
(published with permission)