We can't solve a problem with the same thinking that created them - Albert Einstein
This is a letter D. wrote to us after having been in a Homosexuals Anonymous online-group for quite some time:
I have exercised a lot of self control for about six weeks and now in the past two weeks I have been inundated with knowledge. Some of it is encouraging and some of it depressing. My wife's hurt and pain at my hands has been far greater than I realized. Some of that hurt may not ever heal. What healing will happen will take a long time. I have learned that I am a sexual addict, that I have used sex like a drug to escape, that escape has caused shame and separation from emotional connection with others, which has created an intense need to escape which has led to a vicious cycle. I have learned that porn is a false intimacy without the risk of real relationship. I have learned that the appeal of risk free false intimacy comes out of a deep self loathing and an expectation of rejection and abandonment and that these expectations flow out of my interpretive memory of and lessons of my infancy and childhood. I have learned that I have traded real intimacy with real people for false intimacy in the form of fantasy or porn or masturbation. I have learned that the bible likens that to storing water is leaky cisterns. I have learned that only Jesus can give me living water that satisfies. I have learned that my emotional dependency is not an issue that originates in my father but in my mother. I have learned that many of the things I am upset with my father about were decisions participated in by my mother. I have learned that I have mother as well as father hunger. I have learned that the emotional issues are going to be harder to deal with than the sexual issues. I have learned that what I have done with friends is classical emotional dependence, it is destructive, selfish, manipulative, and just really really wrong. I have learned it is a compulsion that is driven both psychologically and spiritually and I don't have a chance of overcoming it on my own. I have learned that I may have strong sexual drive toward men for the rest of my life and may have to work really hard at controlling those urges and my lust for the rest of my life. I have learned that I may have this deep need for someone (male) to love me (non sexually)for the rest of my life and as a result have to work hard to keep relationships balanced for the rest of my life.
What I have Learned
For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love.
I learned from my reaction to the testimony of one of the guys at group that if I had ever been offered an emotionally close friendship with someone and then that someone then wanted more, that I probably could not have resisted. I have learned that I long for that kind of emotionally close friendship where another guy pursues me.I have learned that I am a narcissist - that I want someone to worship me - and that I am sexually drawn to a person who looks a great deal like I looked at 18 - except for higher percentages of muscle to body fat and larger endowments. That may simply be the result of watching porn and seeking out idealized versions of myself. I have learned that I am deeply sensitive to the idea of rejection by any of the guys at group, far more than I would have imagined. I think this is deeply rooted in my desire to be emotionally dependent on another - to hand over to another power over my own sense of well being. To have someone be my mommy and hold and protect me and love me unconditionally. I have learned from the above that I long to be emotionally dependent on someone. I have learned that emotional dependence is arrested development much like homosexuality is but instead of arresting development at five or six or ten that it is arrested at about two with the kind of trust a child is supposed to learn from the mother never learned and so is infinitely more difficult to overcome. I have learned that what I really so intensely desire and truly need is a legitimate need - an emotional connection, intimacy with others, and that this is going to be really difficult. I need close satisfying healthy relationships in order to heal but I currently cant experience a relationship that is close enough to be satisfying and yet is still healthy. I have learned that there is a constant conflict in me between defensive detachment and emotional dependency. The former creates walls between me and others to protect me from being hurt while the latter causes me to abandon my autonomy and seek my meaning and purpose in some special "other". I have learned that emotional dependency for me sounds like Satan whispering in my ear. It is basically a lie that I believe about the other person, the situation, and what that other person can do for me and what that other person should do for me. That voice is beginning to be recognizable as someone other than my own voice or the voice of God. I have learned that I have had a twisted view about what normal guys achieve. I imagined that when a man falls in love with a woman that the emotions he experiences have the same intensity as my neurotically driven emotional dependency and the sex has the same intensity as my neurotically driven sexual addiction. I always thought that combination was the romantic ideal available to normal men. I think I now realize that would be crazy and a doomed relationship. I have learned that I have no idea what a healthy sexual or emotional relationship looks like, well I have an idea it is just that I don't see how it could be very satisfying. I have learned that it is a mercy that God did not zap me and cure the surface problem of SSA because I could never muster the courage and strength to deal with these other issues if God did. I have learned that I do have friends, good friends, more than one, and that although I constantly hear voices telling me these friendships are not what they should be I also know that they are very good and that almost all of the logical rational criticisms I have of those friendships are not rational at all but lies. I have learned that keeping those thoughts that my friends are not really friends of any quality but mere acquaintances is just as difficult a mental discipline as not having sexual fantasy. I have learned that when I am in really close fellowship with Jesus, where I sense His intimate presence and I experience that daily, none of this is really all that difficult to deal with, and when He is not present and I am not in close fellowship with Jesus that all this is impossible to deal with.
(used with permission)
"You can't solve a problem on the same level that it was created. Youhave to rise above it to the next level." - Albert Einstein
"I generally find that comparison is the fast track to unhappiness. No one ever compares themselves to someone else and comes out even. Nine times out of ten, we compare ourselves to people who are somehow better than us and end up feeling more inadequate."
"I believe that people make their own luck by great preparation and good strategy."
“Why do I exist?” That is a question very few ever ask themselves. They would not have a ten-cent gadget in their homes for five minutes without knowing its purpose, but they will go through life without knowing why they are living. Until we answer that question there is no question worth answering; and the way we answer it determines our character in this world and our destiny in the next. … The best way of finding out why a thing was made is to go to its maker. “Why did God make you?” and the Maker gives the answer: “God made me to know Him, to love Him, to serve Him in this world, and to be eternally happy with Him in the next.”
~ Fulton J. Sheen, Freedom Under God, True Liberty (1940/2013) p. 22-23. [“Question 6” of the Baltimore Catechism]
"By taking the time to stop and appreciate who you are and what you've achieved - and perhaps learned through a few mistakes, stumbles and losses - you actually can enhance everything about you. Self-acknowledgment and appreciation are what give you the insights and awareness to move forward toward higher goals and accomplishments."
Go big! There is nothing I dislike more than passive people that are constantly whining and pitying themselves and put the blame for their miserable life on others. People that have no fire or dreams and visions inside, that wait for others to provide for them and pull them out of the mud. What a life is that. Dare to go for the alternative: Life is a daily adventure. Go big! Dream big! Your dreams and visions should never bee too low. What's the point if you have a tiny goal and reach it - as opposed to having a huge goal and reaching "only" fifty percent of it - which is still way beyond option #1. Stop pitying yourself. If you keep on blaming others for what's going wrong in your life, there will never be any change or progress. You canl only change yourself. Other people usually are beyond your reach and responsability. Have visions! See yourself standing on top with the medal around your neck! Get the feeling for it and act as if you already have it! Don't be shy asking others for help. Most of all: Go new ways. Things will never change if you always do what you've always done. Don't be a copy of somebody else as everyone around you is already taken. Find your own way and learn to think and act completely different from everybody else! God has provided each one of us with passions and talents. Go for it! What do you have to loose - as opposed to the many things you could gain! And if you stumble and fall on your butt, get up again! There is nothing wrong with falling, but a lot with staying on the floor! Get into the ring and become a fighter! God needs courageous men and women who know what they want and are willing to give it their all to get it! Go big -and go now!!
From Homosexuals Anonymous:
"Write your goals down in detail and read your list of goals every day. Some goals may entail a list of shorter goals. Losing a lot of weight, for example, should include mini-goals, such as 10-pound milestones. This will keep your subconscious mind focused on what you want step by step."
"Working with people from all walks of life, from full-time moms to CEOs at large companies, I've distilled many universal truths about success. There's a secret I've learned that works quite well at helping you to achieve what you want: Decide what you want."
"Successful people maintain a positive focus in life no matter what is going on around them. They stay focused on their past successes rather than their past failures, and on the next action steps they need to take to get them closer to the fulfillment of their goals rather than all the other distractions that life presents to them."
Why is the only condition we have on someone who wants to join Homosexuals Anonymous the will to be free? Because without it everything else would be futile. You have to know what you want and you have to really want it. You need a passion to go for your goal, no matter what. If there are no emotions involved and you try to reach a goal simply through a change of cognitive thinking patterns, or because someone else wants you to and you have not the slightest wish to do so, this only become negative stress for you. It is all about how you see and evaluate this goal of being free of same-sex attractions and the way that leads to that. For some it is a drag, a pain in the butt. For others the same tools are an exciting challenge.
Think about it.
"If you go to a tree with an ax and take five whacks at the tree every day, it doesn't matter if it's an oak or a redwood; eventually the tree has to fall down."