Miserere Nobis!

Hilfe für Katholikinnen und Katholiken mit gleichgeschlechtlichen Neigungen

Der Fall

Was tun, wenn man gefallen ist?

Wir alle kennen das: Wir hatten die besten Vorsätze und wussten theoretisch auch, was richtig und was zu tun ist - und dann sind wir doch gefallen und hatten Sex. Was nun?


Hier einige Punkte, an die du jetzt denken solltest:


1) Satan gibt uns immer zwei Brillen: die eine, die du bekommst, bevor du sündigst und die die Sünde so klein erscheinen lässt, als ob sie fast nicht existiert. Die andere erhältst du, nachdem du gesündigt hast. Sie lässt die Sünde so groß erscheinen, dass du den Eindruck erhältst, jetzt hättest du es endgültig vergeigt mit Gott und Er würde dir nie vergeben. Du wärst eben schwul und würdest nie Freiheit finden. Denke jetzt daran, dass beide Brillen vom Herrn der Lügen sind! Beides ist falsch!


2) Rede mit einem Menschen deines Vertrauens. Sünde sucht die Dunkelheit. Tue das Gegenteil - bringe sie ans Licht!


3) Ein Fall beginnt für gewöhnlich mit Sätzen wie "ich wollte nur" oder "ich wollte bloß" ("...einen Kaffee mit einem schwulen Freund trinken" oder ähnliches). Wir meinen, das wäre keine große Sache und wissen doch tief drin sehr wohl, dass wir die Voraussetzungen für einen Fall damit schaffen. Wir trinken "nur" einen Kaffee in dieser Schwulen-Bar, wir gehen "bloß" zu ihm nach Hause, um die neue Wohnung anzuschauen... Merke: Am Anfang ist diese Kette an Vorgängen am leichtesten zu stoppen. Je weiter du damit gehst, desto härter wird es, aufzuhören (bist du mal bei ihm zuhause, ist der letzte Schritt nur mehr ein Katzensprung).


4) Unter welchen Voraussetzungen und Umständen bist du am ehesten geneigt, zu fallen? Bei manchen ist es Langeweile, Ärger, Frust, Überlastung... Wenn du das weißt, kannst du vorsorgen, damit du gar nicht mehr in diese Situation kommst bzw. besser damit umgehst (du kannst etwa im vornherein deine Woche verplanen, sodass Langeweile erst gar nicht mehr aufkommt).


5) Bedürfnisse: Viele Menschen sind sich gar nicht klar, welche Bedürfnisse sie haben. Such dir online eine Liste von Bedürfnissen und überlege dir, welche bei dir erfüllt sind und wo es Nachholbedarf gibt. Allzu oft betäuben wir mit Sex unsere unbefriedigten Bedürfnisse, was allerdings nicht zu ihrer Befriedigung führt. Wenn du also etwa bei sozialen Kontakten einen Aufholbedarf hast, dann mach dich dran und suche die Gesellschaft von Menschen, die dich deinem Ziel nahe bringen!


6) Schmerzmittel: Oft betäuben wir mit Sex vergangene Verletzungen (etwa aus der Kindheit oder auch gegenwärtige Konflikte). Dadurch können diese Verletzungen aber nicht heilen. Gehe die Verletzungen an - wenn nötig, mit einem Therapeuten!


7) Sei konsequent und brutal! Weg mit allem, das einen Fall fördern könnte (Pornos, die alte Adressdatei mit Sex-Kontakten...)!


8) Ziele: Formuliere Ziele! Sie sollten SMART niedergeschrieben werden (spezifisch, messbar, akzeptiert, realistisch, terminierbar). Ziele sollten immer positiv und in der Gegenwartsform formuliert werden.Sie sollten weiterhin selbst erreichbar und motivierend sein. Mal dir dein Ziel regelmäßig in Gedanken aus und achte dabei auf deine Sinne! Was fühlst, riechst, schmeckst und hörst du dabei (du förderst so die neuronale Vernetzung im Gehirn und damit die praktische Umsetzung deiner Ziele).


9) Ressourcen, Potentiale: Welche Ressourcen und Potentiale hast du? Was sind deine Stärken? Wo solltest du dir noch Hilfe holen und bei wem?


10) Selbstdisziplin, Stress- und Frustrationstoleranz, impulsivem Verhalten widerstehen lernen: Arbeite konsequent und praktisch an der Erreichung dieser Faktoren!


11) Gesundes Leben: Unerlässlich und Grundvoraussetzung dabei ist, ein in jeder Hinsicht gesundes Leben zu führen: gesunde Ernährung, Sport, keine Drogen (auch nicht Alkohol!), das Erlernen von Entspannungstechniken sowie eine gesunde Spiritualität!



From an online member of HA on falling and how to get back up again:

"The last time I fell, on my way back home I was feeling disgusted for what I had done, scared and angry with myself. Same old story.

As soon as I got home, I committed for sex sobriety again. Same old story too. I had already done it unsuccessfully many times before.

I took a box of condoms from my pocket; it was still full so I moved it to my drawer.
In that moment I realized that I was cheating on myself. I wasn’t really committing to quit my sex addiction. In my mind, I was still planning to use those condoms with random people someday.

I realized that till then I had lied to myself and to God. My commitment wasn’t true.

I went down the street and I threw the condoms box into the rubbish bin.

I can’t really explain what happened after that. In my mind I immediately felt an empowering sense of relief. In the following months I felt that God had acknowledged my sincere commitment and I felt His strong support in my struggle.

So the advice taken from my personal experience is: Be honest in your commitment and shut every door that evil could use to enter your mind and soul."


Think of Going Back to the Gay Life? Think Again.

I left the gay scene in 2004. In all those years ever since I slipped once. Am I a failure because of that? Certainly not. Most of us are Christians. Yet we keep on sinning. Does that make sinning better? Not really. Does it mean I am all fake and in fact a gay man that only denies his true self? Wrong again. This is propaganda and wanna-be psychology.

Here the lessons I drew after I returned to the right path:

Be brutal. Eliminate all triggers. Get rid of everything and everybody that tempts you to fall. No excuse. Just do it.

Have an accountability partner.

Confess your sins.

Find out why you did it. What emotional or other need did you try to fulfill by that? What hurt did you seek to numb?

Trust me in one thing: You will certainly not find there what you are looking for. The gay scene has changed since I left. What was extreme yet accepted back then is pretty much normal now. Yes, some are married - either to someone of the same or the opposite sex. That does not prevent them from looking out for other sex partners - with or without the consent of their spouse. Some seem to be addicted to sex. The sexual experiences they seek get wilder with every sex act for them to get the same high. I was very sad to see what they are doing to themselves and to others - physically, emotionally and spiritually.

I'd say a good number of them realizes something is wrong. They complain that gays are only out for sex. That the person itself is exchangeable. Yet it does not lead to consequences - they keep on seeking love at the wrong places.

From my own experience I can tell you that most - if not all - gay men I met are unable to build solid relationships. Oftentimes they just use their partner to fulfill their own sexual, emotional, social and whatever else needs. In many cases I had the impression that the partners were not at the same level, but that one had a dominant position and the other was emotionally dependent. I can't really say I have ever found a single gay couple were I would acknowledge that it was even remotely compareable to a straight one. They just were not.

Be honest. Sin always seek darkness. It is no shame to fall. Yet it is one to try to hide it, to try to excuse it or to even build up a theology that allows you to keep on doing what you don't want to stop.

Even in those days when you fell: never break up with God. Stay in contact. Don't stop praying. He will listen and answer. Maybe not in the way you expect Him to, but He will.

Satan ususally wraps everything in gold, else none of us would ever fail. Everyone of us can fall. No exception. Never think that you won't - that is the foot that satan will have to your heart then. He will use it to get in one way or the other. Even if you don't fall sexually, there are other ways to sin.

Yes, some things seem tempting - and I am not just talking sex. The man you meet might be ever so nice. A good and wonderful person that cares a lot for others. That might be so, but starting a relationship with him will neither give you nor him what both of you were looking for. On the contrary, it will destroy it.

Never measure an ex-gay walk by the number of sexual falls you had - or by the lack thereof. As I said - there are other ways to sin, and all of us are guilty of that. Pride (as gays boast themselves of so many times in their parades) is the root of all evil.

Don't be too hard on yourself. You fell - now get back up on your feet and use the fall to learn from it and pass on your lessons.

After I fell I thought why, I have seen the gay life now (again). And there is no way I ever want to go back there. It is just not worth it. On the other hand, I have something that is worth so much more: following Jesus Christ.

I will keep on using my sexual energy another way: to let my gifts and talents grow.

One last thing: Jesus did not call us to found religious clubs, to sit in houses and wait for poor sinners (of course not ourselves) to knock on the doors. He commanded us to go out and make disciples. In my walk among gay people I saw that none of them had ever heard of ex-gays. As to the Christian faith, their views were usually filtered through gay propaganda. Why? Because we made a living out of touring in Christian circles and preaching to the choir. Of telling those who already shared our opinion about our walk. Of selling them our books and charging them for our talks. However, those who need us most are still alone.

I will also stop to only think sex when I think of my gay and lesbian brothers and sisters. They are more than that. Yes, there are many wonderful people among them and I feel blessed, honored and thankful that God allowed me to get to know them.

All of that will equip me better from now on to reach out to all (!) people with same-sex attractions. Because I love them like Jesus does. I will not just tell them that it's wrong to life the gay life because the Bible says so but I will share the fullness of our faith with them through my words and deeds, not just by quoting Bible verses along with my personal interpretation of them.

Why? Because I love them. My heart goes out to them. God is love - and so should we be.

Rob


You Think Gay Relationships Are Like Straight Ones? Think Again.

Here some of my own experiences over the decades regarding gay relationships:

It sounds so very tempting at first - you can finallly be the "true you", you will marry your sam-sex partner or at least live forever with Prince Charming, you will be ever so happy with him because of that, you might even have kids - short: you will modell the perfect heterosexual family and society will and has to accept that as perfectly normal.

Is it? Not at all. At least according to my own experience.

As you will notice by going through the brief description I just gave you, there is a lot of "you" in it. And this is basically what a gay relationship is all about: Me, myself and I. Yes, gay couples will strongly deny it. Yes, some take care of their sick partner. But, I still stick with that general rule. And the heteros are catching up.

The foundation for gay relationship is a mixture of political correctness, psychotherpeutic correctness, moral relativism, misguided attempts to satisfy legitimate emotional, social and other needs or to numb past and undealt hurt. Gay relationships are a quick fix for all of the above yet will never heal or truly satisfy.

First, it is all about "being happy" and "being the true you". Sounds great, right? Well, only if you don't think deeper and only at first glance. The whole drama of gay relationships (and many of their heterosexual counterparts) unfolds with the mistaken notion of happiness and love. Gays (and many straight people) mistake that as feelings. And as all feelings they come and go. For Christians, true happiness comes with and by following Jesus Christ through our thoughts, words and deeds by following His commandments. For Christians, love is a decision of the will. A feeling comes and goes. A contract is an exchange of property (or other) rights on the other person. Christian love, however, is a life-giving covenant where the man gives himself (!) to the woman. They become so much one (flesh) that you have to give the one a name nine months after. This reflects the life-giving way Christ gave Himself to the Church. Man, woman, and the child as the bond of love between them - like Father, Son and the Holy Spirit as the bond their love. If you see it that way, you will notice that no other union but a life-long covenant between man and woman will ever be able to be the same. You will also notice that there is no way you can ever dissolve such a covenant and start a new one.

Yes, some of us are not made for marriage with a partner for the opposite sex. This does in no way mean you will have a lonely and miserable life while denying yourself. Actually, Jesus commanded us to deny ourselves and take up our crosses daily. You can - and must! - then give your life fully to God and your neighbor. THIS is your true self. You are a beloved child of God and only through that you can draw your self-worth from and only as such you will ever find true happiness.

Christians that fall sometimes try to justify that to others and to themselves by putting together some sort of theology that allows them to keep on doing what they don't want to stop. Not only that, they also call others who hang on to the traditional version as "haters", "fundamentalists", "radicals", "nazis" - and much more. This is nothing but a pathetic attempt of excusing your own failures by throwing mud at others.

Yes, it is all about love - Christian love, not the distorted human version of it.

We are already deeply stuck in the swamp of moral relativism - the understanding that there are no absolute moral standards, but that everyone can adapt them to his or her own needs and wants. Even aside the faith part this is the downfall for every society. If there is no common understanding anymore of what is good, truthful, normal and right, if everyone can change that, then society will go down very soon. Even laws are founded on a common understanding of what is just and right. Without that you won't have civil or moral laws and you won't have a functioning society. Needless to say there certainly will be no "love" and no "happiness" anymore either.

Moral relativism justifies pretty much everything. I have been there too. You can justify and glorify "patchwork families" (actually, a patchwork blanket originally is a blanket made of old and torn rugs. That is in no way a good thing), you can justify leaving your partner and family (whatever that is then), you can justify having other partners at the side or together with your partner - you can justify almost everything. The things you cannot justify yet will soon follow as there will be no grounds for them to be illegal.

Of course, people always want and need a reason for their evil deeds to make them look good. Again - I don't want to point the finger only at others. I have been there as well. This is when oftentimes psychotherapeutic correctness comes in. Examples: "I need to be alone and have my freedom" (while in fact there is no mental disorder that forces you to leave your partner). "Maybe at some later point I feel strong and healthy enough to look out for someone again" (in my eyes, this is pure degradation of humans and total lack of responsability towards others. You take and drop them according to your present feelings and already announce to the one you just left there will be another one after him). "I could not deny myself anymore" or "I need to be like I was born to" (usually applied when gay men leave the straight family they founded, i.e. their wives and kids. We are all born sinners, yet this is no justification for Christians to sin. You won't get physically or mentally sick when you stay on God's path). It even becomes worse when they drag their own children into the relationship with their gay partner to live with them. What example do you think you are giving to your kids? You really believe this is the best for them? Or do you just want to soothe your nagging conscience? Ever thought about those you are leaving behind? How many people do you have to hurt and leave behind in order to "be happy"?

Since when have cowardice and lack of character and moral values, lack of stress and frustration tolerance and lack of the ability to withstand and control your impulses become new moral absolutes?

In the gay relationships I experienced and saw there seemed to have been a lot of self-centeredness, egoism and a very pubertarian way of dealing with your love life.

It seemed to be always about me. How I am happy (or better: how I FEEL happy), how I find my personal freedom, how I satisfy my needs, how I live out what is inside of me and how I really am, how I can be "free"... This is not love. You are most likely stuck on a very early developmental stage then.

The partners in a gay relationship are according to my experience (almost) exchangeable. Yes, gays will deny that, but deep inside they know that they oftentimes use their partners only to satisfy their sexual, emotional, social, relational and whatever else needs. I am absolutely sure that with the development of artificial intelligence we will soon have machines that are "perfectly human" and that do exactly what you want them to do. The ultimate dream for many (if not most) gays. And yes, the straight ones are catching up.

Sometimes gays also give scientifically-sounding arguments to justify their need for a same-sex partner. Like "I was born that way and I cannot deny myself else I develop a mental disorder". What nonsense. First, so far no gene has ever been found that "makes you gay". Even if there ever will be such a gene, it is epigenetics (that is the environment and your own thinking and behavior) that decides if and to what extent a gene will be activated or new ones will be grown or exiting ones altered (!!). You are not a slave of your genetic code (what an image of humanity that would be) and your genetic code certainly is no grounds for calling something "right" or "normal". Think of the absurd consequences of you'd apply that logic to other forms of behavior!

Some gay couples also adopt children or take their own ones into their relationship. I dare to doubt the motivation behind that - at least according to my experiences. Do those couples really want the best for those kids or do they want to knock off one of their own wishes from the list? Like modelling the "perfect" hetero families. I am not doubting that many honestly want to love those children, but I do claim as a Christian man that a life-long heterosexual marriage based on the traditional Christian teaching of what a family should be like is the best environment for children - and for the spouses. Some gays come up with arguments like "It is better for children to grow up in a loving gay relationship than in a disfunctional straight one". That is comparing apples to pears. You take the best from one side and compare it to the worst of the other. Mere propaganda. And do show me the gay couple that prefers children from a disfunctional family to children of a happy one.

The gay relationships I was in usually brought out the worst in me - the "fruit of the flesh", as Christians would call it. From those I was with I had the impression it was not much different.

So what kind of "love" is that if it brings out the worst? It is by their fruit that you will recognize them is what Jesus told us.

Finally, going to the extremes when it comes to sex seems to be much more normal in gay relationships than it straight ones. You think that's fun and you can and should do it as "you don't hurt anybody" and "it's not forbidden"? What immature way of looking at it. You might find yourself pretty soon in a sex addiction - and trust me, this is not funny at all. It is very degrading. Gay relationships also seem to be much less monogamous and last much shorter than their heterosexual counterparts (yes, the difference is sadly diminishing here as well). This is no "fun" and certainly not "gay" either. Many gays I met claimed to be happy but made a deeply sad and lonely impression on me - in spite of being in a same-sex relationship.

To cut a long story short: I very much warn you - do not yield to the temptation to enter into a same-sex relationship! If you are in one, get out as fast as possible - as if the devil was behind you (pun intended)!

I found true happiness and love only in those times when I stayed on the right path - God's path.

Blessings,

Robert


Failure in Gay Lives

Quite a number of gay people I know failed miserably in their lives - in Christian but also in worldly standards. Count me in - at least during my gay years. They then oftentimes try to explain that away and to make it look like something good by using moral relativism. Like every good/bad politician they apply their own (usually just invented) standards and consciously or unconsciously zoom out a good part of reality so their lives still look like something to them and - at least they believe - the world.

The problem with that: deep inside they know that's crap. That's one of the reasons their self-worth sometimes is so low. And it does not really help the mental disorders either some of them have if you avoid to face reality.

Examples: Failure in the professional life, overspending and/or financial disaster, many broken partnerships, even broken heterosexual families they once had, broken promises, people they hurt and left behind, broken moral values (even their own!), being developmentally stuck in puberty in some areas of their lives, and many more.

Just take one: Some had heterosexual families before. They broke their marriage vows among others by secretely having same-sex partners. The marriage usually ends at some point and the kids suffer. That is being explained away by saying they can now finally be who they truly are and nonsense like that. A broken family is a broken family and there is no good reason for that. Sometimes they even take the kids to live with them and their new same-sex partner. You really think you are giving your children a good example like that? That they will ever be able to raise a healthy family themselves if this is what they get to see? The sad part about it: society even applauds them for leaving everything behind.

Some live with their same-sex partner after that. They claim all is good and all are "happy". They even take care of him/her when he is sick and handicapped - not without tapping themselves on the shoulders and letting others know how good they really are. Then they start having other sex partners aside and even leave that old one behind. Of course, there are good reasons for that as well and they refuse all offers for help and deny all options for a solution. It is too much for me, it is all the other guy's fault, and - you might guess it already - "I don't love him anymore and I just want to be happy". How many people do you have to hurt to "be happy"?

Others hide behind diseases or disorders as they found out that gives them a good excuse not to assume responsibility and instead do what they want to do without having a bad conscience and without getting a bad reputation.

Some might want to point out examples now where things are differently. Are they really or just on the surfacee? Based on what standards?

I have spent many years in the gay scene and I have seen many people go down. Lots of them are no more, others are physically sick or mentally ill, financially broke or stand in front of their shattered lives - alone and embittered. Yet they will still tell me they are "happy".

No, you are not.

Robert